I thought Sacrament Meeting was supposed to be a place to get away from it all...

From what? My kids fighting and making messes and crying? Not so much. I left in the middle of Sacrament Meeting crying today. Not because I was feeling the Spirit. Because I wanted to strangle Spencer. Really.

**WARNING**
This post is lengthy and I am on one right now! If you're not in the mood to hear me rant and rave, stop reading right now!! :)

Over the past month or so, Jack has become increasingly difficult in church. Church starts about the same time he usually goes down for his morning nap. He refuses to sleep anywhere other than a bed (it doesn't even need to be his bed, just a bed. My arms? Never.) So, tiredness combined with the fact that he now has an opinion and has a squeal to voice it with, it's really a stressful situation for all involved.

I told Austin as soon as we woke up this morning that we needed to adequately prepare the diaper bag with things that will keep him occupied. Snacks, sippy cups, a myriad of toys, whatever. And, I really didn't want to be late for the 115th week in a row. So, we get going this morning and are sticking right to schedule. Our entire family is ready for church by 9:30 (it starts at 10)! It's a miracle. I start packing the diaper bag and am having a renewed faith that church actually might be worth going to today. We can do this.

We get to church five minutes early and things are going great. However, Kamae is leading our family in and chooses the row four from the front, in which one of the most intimidating people to me is sitting on. I thought about relocating, but convinced myself to stay. I think to myself, "We're early. We're prepared. We can do this." We fill up the other half of the pew.

Sacrament Meeting begins and all is well until the Sacrament is being passed. The bread comes and goes and Jack flips out because he wants more. I had already armored Austin with a bag of snacks because I saw this coming. Jack was so riled up about it, however, that he wouldn't even pay attention to Austin's hand right in front of his face holding some more food. Austin has to shove it in his mouth and we're good.

Jack eventually wanders down towards me and I have my arsenal all ready to keep him busy and happy. I start hiding finger puppets under the stacking cups. He's loving it; I'm loving it. The aforementioned lady is kind enough to help entertain. Then he starts dropping the cups. They start rolling under the pews. Jack crawls to get them and hits his head. Whimper. He recovers quickly. Whew. This goes on for 10-15 minutes and I'm patting myself on the back for coming prepared, thinking to myself, "As long as I bring the necessary equipment, this isn't so bad!"

Then Jack decides he's done. Done with what, you might ask? Done with everything. He wants on my lap, he wants down, he wants his sipper cup, he wants to throw it, he wants the hymn book with the binding that's falling apart so he can further destroy, wants to drop that on Spencer's head, who's now laying on the floor. I see everything unraveling quickly, so I get Austin's attention (who is at the end of the pew...I'm smack dab in the middle) and tell him that Jack needs to leave. He quickly escorts him out, followed by Spencer.

Now, Spencer knows he's supposed to stay. But, he also knows that I am too far away to do anything about it. So, Spencer trails after Austin, which I'm sure Austin is unaware of until he gets to the foyer.

I realize that if I am going to get anything out of this meeting, now's the time. So, heaven forbid, I start paying attention. I glance over at the girls, one of which is laying down on the pew, kicking the other one gently, but just enough to be annoying. I get her to sit up, but I can't get them to leave each other alone...they are either playing or fighting or play fighting. I didn't care what they were doing, it was too loud.

Spencer comes back in, alone, with his arms folded. Then he starts trying to talk to me from the other end of the pew about a book. I can't understand him. I motion for him to come closer, but he just says it louder. Still don't know. I hold up three fingers and he comes towards me. I pull him onto my lap and ask him to whisper it into my ear. I can barely understand the boy when it is just he and I in a quiet room, let alone when I have girls next to me giggling and someone speaking into a microphone and he's whispering so close to my ear that there is condensation. I can't understand him still and he's getting so frustrated. He says he wants to go back out to Dad. I tell him no. He says he needs to go potty. I call his bluff. He starts throwing a fit. He's pushing my arms to get out of my grip. I am thinking of every threat I possibly can. Then I try a different angle. "Spencer, this is Jesus and Heavenly Father's house. We need to be very reverent and listen. Do you think they would be happy if you were hurting your mom?" No affect. I pull out a book and start looking at the pictures. I ask him to find the chicken. It works. Sheesh. Now find the cow. Now count all of the birds in the whole book. That's as far as we got. I had released my death grip by now because he was calmed down. He slithers away when I am again trying to get my girls to be quiet. He's now at the end of the pew and I am a good 8 feet away. He looks at me and I tell him to come back. He stands up and says, "I'm going to get Daddy." I mouth, "Sit down." He walks around so he's now standing in the aisle at the end of our pew. Three fingers are up now. Two fingers... I give him the death look. He starts to come back. I tell Paige to sit on the other side of me so I can grab him. She does and as I lounge over to grab his arm, he stands up. I am now practically laying on the bench and I slide over a little more for my second attempt. He stands in the aisle. I dive over Kamae to finally grab him and drag him back into our row. He starts crying really loudly because he says I've grabbed his arm too hard. By now, I can only imagine everyone's attention directly on us. I swear the speaker even stopped. If not, that's how it felt. I quickly put my hand over his mouth and whisper through gritted teeth, "Stop crying.... Now.... If you don't stop crying, you'll get in big, big, big trouble....... Knock it off......" But now he's starting to gasp for air because he's all worked up and his little nostrils weren't going to cut it. However, I know that if I let go, it's going to be quite the wail. I figure it's better to let him be loud than to make him pass out, so I let go and sure enough. Loud and clear. I let him get the air he needs and my hand goes right back, this time with space between my fingers for ventilation. By now he thinks I'm trying to kill him. He's squirming and bawling and I just pick him up and haul him out.

I open the chapel doors, only to miss Jack, who is on the other side, by an inch or so. Austin is standing right there and I mouth, "I'm going to kill him." I take him into the gym and stand him against the wall. He starts wailing and I break down. Austin is just staring at the two of us, like "What the @#$@ happened in there?" Now, I'm pretty sure that that's not how you are supposed to feel when walking out of the chapel doors.

We both had a good cry. It was several minutes before I could get a hold of myself to begin explaining to Austin what had happened.

When Sacrament meeting ends, he hands Jack to me and takes the other kids away. I couldn't find them for about 10 minutes (mind you, Paige is supposed to be giving the Scripture thought in Primary at this point). Austin finally comes and finds me and escorts me into a Sunday school room where all of my kids are sitting on chairs, perfectly still, perfectly quiet with their arms folded. They all say sorry because they were told to.

I was just so mad and so so humiliated. Paige fell apart and said she didn't feel like going to Primary today because she was so awful. Kamae started crying because I think she felt like she was supposed to. Spencer looked at me and said he was "so so so so so so sorry, Mom." As a mom, what do you say? I couldn't bring myself to say it was OK because it sure wasn't. I just said, "I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry that you can't go to Primary today." He fell apart.

Jack is getting ornerier by the second. We take the girls into primary, splotchy faces and all. Austin helped me to the car to take Jack home for a nap and as far as I know, Spencer will be sitting by him on that same chair for the rest of church. They are still there. I came home and devised a reverence plan for next week. I am just beside myself. I can't believe that we're "that" family. Not next week. Not us. Not ever again. Hopefully.

As if you haven't read enough...
Here's the plan I devised, if you're interested. Wish us luck. Pray for a miracle.

The Orton Family Reverence Plan

We have to earn the privilege of sitting near the front of the chapel.

*We will start in the very back. If we are good, the next week we will move forward several rows. If we are irreverant, the next week we will move back. If we are pretty good, but still need a bit of practice, we will stay in the same place until we get it right.

*In order to get the seats that we need for that week, we need to get there early.

What to bring:
Paige and Kamae:
Each bring one bag
Contents:
Scriptures
1 book
1 Friend
1 Spiral notebook
1 pencil

Spencer:
Can bring one bag
Contents:
Scriptures
1 book
1 coloring book
1 small bag of snacks
1 bag of crayons
quiet book from Grandma Orton

Jack:
Stacking cups
finger puppets
snacks (cereal, string cheese, pretzels, etc.)
sippy cup
diapers & wipes

Sitting order:
Paige Mom Spencer Dad Kamae
-or-
Kamae Mom Spencer Dad Paige

Ideas to participate in Sacrament Meeting:
* Sing the hymns
* Listen to the talks and come up with trivia questions to ask the family later
* Draw a picture about something that the speakers were talking about
* Sacrament Meeting Bingo
* Read the Friend

Rules for Sacrament Meeting

* Get a drink and go to the bathroom before we leave for church
* There will be absolutely no leaving during the meeting
* Stay sitting up at all times
* Stay on the bench at all times
* If you need to say something, it must be whispered
* If one of the parents has to take Jack out, you are not allowed to go. Don’t ask!
* No trading or borrowing things from another person...what you bring with you is all you have. You are in charge of getting your bag prepared properly.

Once we make it back to the front of the chapel and do a great job, Mom and Dad will take you out for a fun evening!